Beta Days

I wrote this late saturday night and.......... I dunno it's just how I was feeling. It's shit and it's whiny

I'm attached to existence. It could be said it's something I can't live without but right now I'm feeling more than a little indifferent. I may have another thirty or forty years of existence or I may have another thirty or forty days or even thirty or forty hours if how I feel right now is any indication. For those with a morbid curiosity in existential anxiety (which I suffer violent attacks of every single night)/general anxiety/ mild whiny emo-depression or any healthcare professionals willing to listen to me again, here it is mind and body.
I'm having continuing issues with sleep patterns and daily panic attacks, I've been feeling the cold a lot more recently than usual and I keep feeling unsteady and dizzy like I don't understand how my body can stand and remain vertical on muscled stalky stilts. As I write this I have a burning tainted feeling in the pit of my stomach kind of how I'd imagine feeling if I had some kind of sinister poison like an overdose of a prescription drug or something contaminating my system like oil accidentally ingested in some innocent way (not based on any medical research or experience just perception. In fact when I was younger I used to get terrible stomach cramps and as I didn't know what they were I used to call it oily stomach or something)
What to do in waiting to expire, since existence is ultimately pointless I may as well just do exactly what I feel like. Not sure I feel like I can be bothered right now. Perhaps this is just a bracket of dead time until the next thing comes along to excite or inspire me. The most insignificant setbacks of the most rudimentary tasks make me sigh and stop in my tracks. Sometimes such distractions or the most elementary of interactions with other people make me want to burst into tears (not for any dark or ominous reason, it just happens). I could wax lyrical about my current inability to maintain eye contact or detail every insecurity in my head right now but I'm not sure that's what I want to express. I don't know right now what I want to express it all just seems so pointless but nature forces me to breathe and my heart to beat and with it my eyes see, my ears hear etc etc despite how I try to will them to stop. I guess that makes me lucky. In fact I know that makes me lucky there are people who would happily trade. So I am lucky, at least for today.